A Dear A letter

I can't believe this year is so close to over. I started the year in a really bad place mentally and though I have really weathered a lot of shit and grown immensely, I am not ready to slip into a new decade. 2010 sounds scary. Like the book, which I know I read, but can't recall a bit of. It's scary not remembering things. Plus 2010 brings a birthday milestone, albeit at the end of the year, but, sigh, sooo not ready.

The washcloth above was a gift for a friend whose 40th birthday I attended this past weekend. He and I went to school together and recently reconnected through Facebook. Have I mentioned before how much I love Facebook?

And I have more work to do on me and part of that is writing a letter. It's a letter I will never mail, but it needs to be written. It's sort of a Dear John letter, only it's not. Let's just say this is a letter to A.

Dear A,

Fuck you, you suck. You suck really bad. At first I liked you (loved you) and now, you just fuck with me. You are good at fucking things up, and I no longer want you in my life. You gave me things and then took them away. You took things that weren't yours to take. You sucked the life out of me leaving me but a shell. Powerless, defenseless. No more.

I hate you and I hate what you have done to me.

I hear you whispering to me. Calling my name. Begging me to change my mind. I can't, I won't and I have people in my life who will help protect me even when I am feeling weak. People who know love and how it is really supposed to feel.

From our soured relationship, I have learned that I don't need you. I am stronger than I thought I was. I am worth more than you made me believe. There is nothing you could do to be welcome in my life, ever again.

You were the darkness, and now I have light.

A cookie or a biscuit or whatever

I am just throwing a little something out here. Feed my blog a little so it doesn't just curl up and D.I.E.

Been busy working, living, camping (photo is from a 2-day camp out with 18 of our closest friends), healing (mentally and emotionally) and growing.

I do admit Face book steals my attention. I am all about the instant gratification. Post a link, type up an overly personal status update, get the top score on Bejeweled. People respond. It gets lonely out here in blog land with a small readership, and really I don't have any desire to be one of the big bloggers because oh, the pressure, and the hate mail. I am constitutionally incapable of handling that shit. I do admire those who have developed a network of blogging buddies and who can let the shit roll off. I still try to keep up with reading and commenting here and there.

The other evening I was down to just one kid, J-man. An eight year old kid who wanted to know how to say things in French. I googled a translation website where we proceeded to learn how to say one of my favorite homemade swear words: shit-muffins. And we learned how to say "I eat poop." Scatological in my house? You bet!

My oldest turns eighteen in 13 days and I am feeling some growing pains on that one. Can I really still like fart jokes and be the parent of an adult? You can be sure that is going to be the topic at a future session with my amazing therapist.

And I will wrap this up with a quote from J-man. The Big D had supposedly promised to have a Nerf battle with J-man on a certain day. The big day arrived and J-man gathered his weapons, ammunition and armor, laying it in a neat pile on the floor. And of course the Big D refused. J-man looked down at his Nerf gear and with wisdom and a seriousness that belied his age, he said, "Now all I have is a sad pile of promises."

Do try this at home

Every so often homeschooling and homeschoolers get some time in the spotlight.

(I tried getting this in here as a link but my computer isn't cooperating or I don't have the technical skills. Whatevs, here's the article I am referring to: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/09/28/confessions_homeschooler/index.html )

Even when the news is good, someone always points out the negatives. Lately, I've learned that when we seek the positive we are usually rewarded. Likewise, when we seek the negative we invariably find it. Why not look for the positive then?

In respect to homeschooling there is no one way to do it. No mold we are pressing our kids into. No guarantee of success or failure.

People who don't homeschool or don't personally know any homeschoolers frequently wonder what it's like. Even giving examples of a typical day does no justice to the wonderful aspects of this type of education.

The beauty of homeschooling for me is that each of us can march to the beat of our own drum, and we can even build our own drums to tap out the rhythm if the spirit moves us. Our band becomes diverse through connections we make with others and the harmony is enriched as we learn and grow together as a family.

Your results may vary.

P!nk

In ten days I am going to see Pink. I am beyond excited. My mom paid for my ticket as an early (months early) birthday gift. To make it even better, I am going with two of my sisters, one of which nudged my mom to make this my gift. Whoo-hooo!

Faith and Fear

I have been on a journey of a spiritual nature. Never having truly felt faith, only the rigors of organized religion, it's been a bumpy ride.

I was raised Roman Catholic. Been baptized. Stayed home from school to watch on TV when the Pope visited Philadelphia. Gave up things for Lent. Made the Sacraments. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

We didn't go to church every week, but I did attend a Catholic school for a bit, then continued my religious education in Catechism classes. When it was time to make Confirmation, I was denied by the Deacon. Denied. I was an impressionable pre-teen and took this very personally. Subsequently I rejected the church.

I went through a very long period of being agnostic and "dabbled" in atheism. I held onto many concepts and values I learned in the church; much of my religious education smacked of "brainwashing" to me, but it worked on many levels. Many of those values were at odds with what felt right to me, yet I clung to them, no matter how much they caused problems in my life.

I left the church behind but not the baggage.

Lately, though as I search for what is meaningful in my life, who I really am, and what my purpose is on the planet, I found myself questioning. Questioning a lot. And I have had some rather moving experiences that I am unable to explain using science alone.

I have opened my mind to what is possible and even to what seems impossible.

I don't know who god is, or if there really is a god, but I do know there is something in the universe bigger and more powerful than me.

Recently someone said that prayer is asking, and meditation is listening. Through daily meditation I have been listening, not knowing what to listen for. Last week I started asking for some things in my life to change. Things that I am sure that I alone cannot control. And I received an answer. It came during meditation. It was a gift that washed over me, filling me with warmth and a calm that I have never felt before in my life. A voice in my head that was not my own, spoke to me. And I was not alone.

A fear that I was harboring lifted. A worry that I obsessed over evaporated.

I am no longer afraid of what lies ahead.

I have found Faith.

In a Seussian frame of mind

I love Dr. Seuss. When people ask my favorite authors, he is near the top of the list. Great for the 6 year old in me and the grown up in me.

That said, I am working on a Dr. Seuss curriculum for J-Man, my eight year old, for school this year. There are so many ideas swirling in my head about this, and for the first time in a while I am excited for the new school year. Even though my other kids are older, I plan to wrangle them in on the rhyming fun.

Also this school year, my three youngest kids are signed up for a learning cooperative. One day a week they will take three to five classes, have lunch and go out to recess while I hang out with the other moms. Most of the other parents teach at least one class, but because this is our first year, I won't teach. I am really looking forward to this as are the kids.

Junior Firefighter has been pursuing his own interests. After graduating from his Fire I class and passing his state fire exam in June, he took Emergency Medical Technician training in July and August. His state exam was last week, but he doesn't know yet whether he passed. He is hoping to get a job at a local hospital in the Emergency Department once he turns 18 in November. Before that he is studying for the GED which he plans to take in October.

Been so long since I rock and rolled

It's been so long since I blogged that this feels weird. I have spent a good deal of the last nine months dealing with a lot of BIG things. For a while I pretended that I could handle it all, then I admitted I couldn't. And while it's hard to make that admission, it is the only reason that I feel like I am feeling normal again. Dealing instead of pretending. Coping instead of escaping.

There are still things that I want to run from and things that are getting tucked away to deal with at a later date. I still struggle to control things that are truly beyond my ability to control.

But I am learning and living.

Last week, feeling pretty low, I was alone watering my garden. The sun was getting low in the sky, and I took that time to breathe in the beauty and serenity. I was in search of a higher power. Out loud, I asked, "What higher power is there?" Expecting no answer, I turned back toward my garden and saw a rainbow. It was all the answer I needed at the time.

Fried computer, my just dessert

My computer died last week, not entirely unexpectedly since it had been humming and having trouble starting. It seems as though the power supply went and probably took out the motherboard. I don't know for sure yet, but I am pretty sure I still have all my data on my hard drive. I had planned to get an external hard drive to back up my files, but that never happened.

For now I have a new used computer set up. (Those days when I was without Internet were rough!) It cost $25 at the library used computer sale. I have no idea how long this computer will keep working, but it's working now, and that's all that counts.

Manic Monday

Driving down the road past a catering facility the other day, we saw a handful of people dressed in suits and dresses. The Big D says, "I could pull off a suit."

So Only Daughter says, "But could you pull off the dress?"

The Big D rolled right with the punches and says, "I don't know if I have the legs."

These kids- I just love them! I love that they are witty, wise and so open-minded!

But they boggle my mind, too.

I spent the better part of a recent Saturday afternoon cleaning out the backyard. On trash night I enlisted the help of The Big D to get the stuff to the curb. Feeling a sense of accomplishment, I looked at the heap of trash when along comes J-Man, spying the goods. He looks at the seed spreader in the pile and says, "Can I have that?"

Of course I say no. Looking for sympathy, I go inside the house and relay the story to Only Daughter. Before I could even get to the punchline that one of my kids was trash-picking our own trash, she asks what I threw away. Without missing a beat as I tell her, she says, "Could I have the..."

"No!" I holler. I didn't even let her finish.

On one hand it's cool that my kids are not afraid to use something that someone else discarded and that they find creative ways to use things that are broken or cast off. But, seriously, trash-picking your own trash pile? Crazy!!

Quick update

Junior Firefighter got his driver's license this week. Woohoo!

Things are growing, sort of, in our garden.

The weather has been beautiful the last few days.

I am loving mowing the lawn with my electric mower. No fumes=No coughing!!! Yeah! Plus, I get in this Zen place when I mow. Very therapeutic to mow. And it's a good thing that I need to spread the mowing over 2 or 3 sessions.

Finding myself under all the crap. Gotta throw the crap away and keep the ME!